Hospital Daze

I hope you never have to spend a week in the hospital with tubes stuck in your side. It was one of the most humbling things that has ever happened to me. Having someone help you go to the bathroom, help you take a shower and even brush your teeth is not easy. I am a very independent person and hate asking for help for anything, so when I had to push the damn nurses button to be able to drag my millions of tubes and IV pole to the bathroom, I hated it. I had this box attached to my chest tubes that constantly bubbled like a "babbling brook", or at least thats what I called it. It was maddening and at the same time comforting. It was about two feet high and a foot across and it collected all of the bodily fluids coming out of my lung. It was a curse during the day because I had to take it everywhere AND drag around an IV pole. It had a little handle for easy carrying. It was comforting because at night it was the only sound in my room, a bubbling sound like a quiet stream or brook. I fell asleep listening to it bubble and flow. I convinced myself it was like falling asleep near a beautiful stream, so I listened, and it would put me to sleep. I think I did ok, mentally, while I was there. The only day I had a "mental" problem was Sunday. I felt depressed that morning and was thinking too much about my situation. They had used and abused the veins in my left arm and I wasn't too keen on letting anyone take more blood. I had been promised they would start taking it from my port only. A little Asian woman came in the room with the familiar labs cart and tried to take my blood. I told her no, stop, someone was coming to take blood from my port, but I think she didn't understand what I was saying. She mumbled something to me about my blood was needed "stat" and she kept trying to find a vein. I just freaked and started crying. My greatest fear is the loss of control of my life. I always felt like I could handle it if I had control over things, even something as small as whether or not blood would be taken from me. It all kind of just came rushing to my brain at once. Loss of control, feeling tired of being sick and just damn tired of being trapped in a hospital stuck to these tubes and IV's. I was bawling at this lady. Luckily an IV team member came at that moment to fix my port, and I didn't have to have blood drawn from my arm. But I was weepy all day. I hate weepy people. It was just a hard day. The hardest part was thinking, I hope this isn't a taste of what's to come. If it is, I'll be crying a lot more. It's hard for me because I am not a crier, and I don't want others to see me cry. I was so glad when I got my release from that place. It made me confront feelings that I have been tring to avoid for a good year and a half. I hope I don't have to do it again...for a long time.