Christmas was perfect!

We had a nice day. We went to my brother-in-law's house and watched old tv shows and movies all day. I'm not a big gift person. I think its more important to give than receive. My husband and I have had so many big bills this year we didn't give each other anything. He said the sweetest thing, he said what he wanted for Christmas was "more time." I thought he meant more time with me, but what he meant was more time to play his pianos! He's a cutie!

Even though I was raised as a Christian, I don't even really believe in Christianity, so Christmas is more a time for being thankful and making family members and friends happy by giving gifts (which I love to do). I lean more toward the eastern religions, like Buddhism. Though I will take any and all prayers sent my way, Christian, Hindu, Jewish or whatever you are. I really believe in the power of positive thought.

This week I've had more energy than I have had in the past 6 months. I don't know what has gotten into me! I'm not looking forward to starting my new chemo tomorrow. I don't want to lose all this newfound energy! I have been able to walk the malls the past few days and not feel afterwards like my legs were made of cement. I almost feel physically close to the way I felt before I started all this crap. I just hope it continues.

Anyway, wish me luck and slide some more prayers my way if you can! I have to go watch my tape about Xeloda, the drug I am starting. I hope I don't have the freaky red and burning hands and feet side effect that they warned me about. Tomorrow I get the results of my head CT. I will let you know how it all goes.

Where would we be without friends?

This illness has really shown me that I have some great friends. It has shown me that I can really count on them when the going gets rough. All of my close friends have rallied and really been super-supportive and I think that it's time to thank them.

When I was first diagnosed some co-workers came to my house and weeded my garden. They knew how much I love my garden and they got down on their knees and weeded and made it look incredible. After my mastectomy co-workers sent me a two dozen roses!! On my birthday this year, friends came over from work (it was only about a week after my mastectomy and I was full of drain tubes) and they brought presents and a cake. I could have cried. After I spent a few days in the hospital (when my radiation burn got infected) a co-worker came over and brought me lunch because I was missing the annual Christmas lunch. She also brought me presents (she is the sweetest woman). I have been on disability ever since the hospital stay and this past week some friends at work sent me flowers (beautiful spring flowers! So pretty!). Today, one of my best friends gave me a gift card for $100 for a local grocery store, just when I needed it because I haven't gotten any money from disability yet. A god send. I tried to give it back to her because I felt like it was too much, but she refused (she's in the picture above with her cat, Mister). I have gotten many cards and emails wishing me well and offering prayers, which I also appreciate. My sister's and brother's have been supportive and very sweet (especially my sister Mary, I will tell you about her sometime), but the support I've gotten from friends has been priceless.

So to all the people who have been so selfless and sweet this year, I can't tell you enough how much it has meant to me. Every day I thank god I have the life I have. I wish I could repay every one of them back personally, and maybe someday I will! Merry Christmas and I hope you have a healthy and happy new year!

CT scan

Had a CT scan of my head today. I think its amazing how modern technology can look inside your body and tell you what's wrong. I only had it because one of the side effects of my drugs is "bleeding in the brain" and they need to find out first if I have any "lesions" (which I took as meaning cancer) in my brain, before I start on the drug. I get worried that it won't find something that might be there because I can't have CT scan dye. I had a SEVERE reaction to MRI dye and now the doctor's are reluctant to touch me. But they always say that if they see anything that "may" be suspicious that they will make me have a CT scan in the hospital, under controlled conditions. I just hope this is true. It worries me that they might not see something that they would have, with some dye injected.

I had dinner with my mother last night and she commented on how dark my new hair is (its about an inch long). When we were at the mall recently (and also once in a store) she took my hat off my head and announced to the cashier ladies that I wanted my hair to grow back in blonde. I wish she had better manners. Oh well.

A little background....

I thought a little detour into my past might help to explain some of the things I will post on this blog and maybe after reading this you won't judge me too harshly for the things I might say in the future. I was raised by a mad woman. Literally. My mother came from a poor family and dropped out of high school in 9th grade. She met my dad when she was in her early twenties and he was in his fifties. She had already had one failed marriage at the age of eighteen that produced my older brother. My mother met my dad, who was already married, and promptly started having babies. Three daughters later, my dad was in his early sixties when I was born.

My mom never "acted" normal as long as I can remember. I don't know if she was ever diagnosed, because she won't (or can't) tell me, but I think she may be manic depressive, narcissistic and maybe a little psychotic (sometimes). My dad died when I was three, and my siblings and I went off to foster homes because my mother couldn't handle raising us. She "attempted" suicide several times. I say "attempted" because it was more a cry for attention than a need to die. She would take some pills, then call a friend or relative and tell them she just took pills. They would come over and save her and we would go off to foster homes. My sister says that one time she called us all in her bedroom and said, "I am going to kill myself now, you go out there in the living room and think about that." Luckily, I was a young age at the time and I don't remember that.

Years later she married an alchoholic when I was 9 and then the real torture began. I would have been better off in a foster home. He beat her in front of us and she really played the martyr role. It wasn't til years later that I saw how she contributed to the situation. I'm not saying she asked to be beaten, because she didn't, and it wasn't right. But after his episodes of drunkenness she would come to my bedroom (or one of my sisters) and cry all night and claim that we didn't love her because we didn't come to her rescue. WE didn't stick up for and her save her from him. That's when I swore I would never put myself in her situation. I always thought that she was a total victim, but saw those nights that she was really sick and needed some help.

Over the years she has gotten worse. Her husband died in 1991 and now she lives alone, depressed all the time. She is very fatalistic and reads the obits everyday to find some obscure person she thinks she knew, so she can call me and tell me how much she loved that person and cry. Her repsonse to my cancer has been typical for her. Everything is always about her. When she found out she said, "It's all my fault! She wouldn't have gotten cancer if I had been a better mother!" I wasn't surprised.

For my own mental health I have to limit my contact with her. She talks about people she knew who have died from cancer. I can't take that. She knows I don't like it yet insists on talking about it. When my sister complained to her about her behavior she said to her in a nasty tone, "Death is a fact of life and she has to get used to it!"

My siblings and I have come through all this okay though. No major problems, some divorces and some early wild years, but mostly we are alright (no one is in jail!). I consider that success. I don't blame my mom for some things she did, she was young and had no education. She is sick, and can't make the right decisions. But it is hard sometimes to deal with the fact that she is not ever going to be the mother I want her to be, and its hard to be compassionate all the time with someone who doesn't seem to know better. She has her good days when she seems completely normal, and I love that. But, I don't mourn it to much anymore because I'm past that. I don't have anytime now to dig up old ghosts.

Just a quick note...

I searched for the words "Life's not fair" and saw that there are so many other blogs with this title that are so extremely trivial, waa waa "I got a scratch on my car," or "my friends got to go to the concert but I didn't." Boofrigedyhoo. Am considering changing the title of my blog to "I hate needles," or "spending three days in a hospital room with a friggin' nuts roommate sucks" or maybe "what the fuck?" I'll have to think about it.

Here's my more serious, sporting a bandanna look. It got me through the summer. Now I have an inch of hair. I look sooo attractive. 

Here's my fake "I don't mind not having hair" smile. 

How can so many things go wrong?

Where to begin? This past April, at the age of 39 I was diagnosed with Inflammatory Breast Cancer. There is no history of it in my family. It was a shocking day. I went for my first mammogram and before I knew it I was mammoed, needle biopsied (what a joy) and ultrasounded all in a few hours time. The doctor looked grave and pronounced that he was "pretty sure" it was cancer. What a shock to be standing in the parking lot at 4:30 with big gauze pads strapped to my chest. I just never imagined it would happen to me, which brings me to why life isn't fair. Over the past two years I have lost about 80 pounds at WW and gotten so totally healthy (fruits, veggies and all that crap). Now I am about to start my second attempt at chemo (after my first six months, a mastectomy, near death radiation) because my cancer has returned. Why me? Why now?

I don't even have any sort of an exciting life. Married almost 20 years, no kids, boring job. But I feel like I should be doing something more fulfilling now that I've had a life changing experience. Problem is, I can't figure out what that is. Should I join the Peace Corp? (I might be dead by the end of the two years) Should I go bungy jumping (bad back) Should I become a nurse or some other noble profession (I'm not that noble). So I created this blog to discuss my options, maybe vent a little, enlighten everyone on the fact that their family is NOT so bad compared to mine, and stuff like that.